we only get so much time

What I don’t understand is why not. I’ve worked my butt off for the last three years getting all As and two Bs. I’m just as smart as the other kids I just don’t live there but I want to go there more than I want to eat. And it’s not fair that I’ve gone through all this stress and to come two days before lottery day and still haven’t heard from them. They mailed selection day cards Monday. Why haven’t I gotten mine. It’s not fair that I don’t even get the chance to try to achieve this. The only downfall of this is the location that’s all. Everything else sounds perfect. And if I can’t go I don’t want to get up. I want to go so badly. And if because I live so many miles away keeps me from that. Screw you school board. I’m the most passionate person to want to go to that school. I need to go to that school. The idea of going is only choice I want. It’s the only future I can see. I hate mj. I don’t want to see myself here another day much less a year. What about my peers? Their all going to think i couldn’t get in when I couldn’t even try. This sucks. I just want to go so much. I want to a graduate from the number one high school in Tennessee. That is what colleges want. They want someone worth having.

the story behind my desire for leaving

it all really starts in third grade, okay, so cliche but me and this group of girls were unseperatble bestfriends. we told eachother all the secrets a third grader can have. so, were all laddy de da. then eventually over time i get the low hand of the stick and kicked off their little ship into the the sharks. see those girls were my bestfriends. and my only close friends. once they all left me out i had no one. i had to start over. 

of course, once youre knocked of third grade popular group youre pretty much stuck with the nose pickers. 

so, i made new friends, gradually, but they were never friends like how our group was. 

5th grade comes around. this is the year youre “on top” of the elementary school so its supposed to be great. well, i spent the end of my fifth grade year and most of the summer looking up pretty much every sort of middle school in my state from public to boarding to online to private. i begged my parents to let me go somewhere but this school because i knew they were going to put the same girls on a high horse again even though there are 5 elementary schools that feed in. 

6th grade, again im seperated from that make shift group of friends from elementary school and thrown in with some random annoying kids. i did meet my current bestfriend that year but try not to talk about it cause i was just really weird and uncomfortable and that year i dated like every guy that asked me out because everyone was trying to get cred but honestly i never liked really any of them.

7th grade comes up and it was great really. i made some great new friends and really connected with my two current bestfriends. this year i was feeling great because one of my friends i made was the exboyfriend of the “leader” of the girls that threw me into the sharks. i never would use him for that though but i know it hurt her a little. this year sucked in other ways too though. this year i had a creepy stalker girl in love with me. she really trusted me and all, but i just couldnt connect with her and im just not her type of person and so that didnt end well but were friends sort of now just luckily not as close because she was getting a lesbian close to me and i wasnt up for it. i dont care about whatever sexual perference people are its just i didnt think of her that way and it scared me when she thought of me that way. i know im really oblivious. this year i met spencer. spencer is specail because he is seriously the best guy friend youd ever want. 

8th grade. everything has changed. me and my bestfriend, ansley, are still bestfriends as well as me and spencer. but me and ansley used to have another friend that was in our “group”. she kinda ditched us for girls that would make her look better and talked real bad about me but its okay because she really wasnt worth a count anyway and the more i think about it the more i realize how she never really sad much nice things when we were close. were alright now, if youre wondering. this year spencer and his bestfriend “broke up” so i feel so bad for him and hes even changing. and i dont talk to that guy thats the exboyfriend of the “leader” of that group. and its all weird because i hate everyone that i was friends with in 6th and before because i just feel like im trying to channel my old self when i talk with them and i gets annoying because i dont care about the same stuff they do. and then this year is different because this year ive taken up yearbook editor and its all hectic. and i just want to meet some good people for a change and if i stay here the only good people ill really meet is people older than myself and i just want to leave. 

i want to forget about all of these kids and go. and not come back. 

what im expecting january 12th

january 12th is the first round of names drawn for my magnet school i want to get into to. 

when my name gets drawn i know ill cry, because ill be so happy that finally it is all working out and that i can really achieve a greater perhaps. 

if not then i dont know. i couldnt deal with it. all of these dreams ive built up to wanting to go. all these high hopes. 

i know, im not supposed to have such high hopes for something that big because if not then ill be so disappointed. but this is the only option. 

the only ride for sure out of this town. 

i want to leave, even though im so young, because i was never meant to stay. this isnt my home. i dont belong here. i belong at that school. not to sound to churchy, but i know with the power and support of Christ, He will make note of me being able to help me onto the right path. 

the path of cultures.

i love world studies. learning about different places. its amazing to realize how many places you can go.

im planning with this school, and a ton of homework and hard work i can achieve all of my goals, even if im not sure where i need to be yet.

i love finding these kids that ill be going to school with next year and connecting mentally with them. i know that this is where i need to be for right now. 

this is where i will see more. experience more. thats what i need. im the young, oblivious 8th grade girl right now that hasn’t had her first kiss.

i want to go so that i can develop into a better person. you are as only as great as the people you surround yourself with. i will be put to surround myself with smart kids and hopefully more mature kids. 

that half the problem in my grade right now. 

im so much older than everyone mentally its harder for me to dumb down so i always kinda sound like, for lack of a better word, bitch. 

i need to be with kids that are on the same mental level as me. and with people ahead. 

its not like my local highschool doesnt have wonderful kids its just that 85% that go to college will go to UT, some form of UT. i on the other hand, want to adventure out. i want to go to a college with people i dont know.

i want to go to a highschool with people ive yet to meet. 

im in love with the idea of leaving everyone behind because thats what ive always wanted to do. i love the idea of walking inmy first day not knowing anyone and soon becoming someone. not having any past friendships. meeting people for the first time and connecting. i want these people to see a side of me i cant show my friends here. 

they wouldnt understand here. 

i use this idea of this new school as a total excuse to escape the present time. but its the idea of it all i love so much. i love it so much i dream about it when im asleep. i sit and class and picture the first day of freshmen year. 

highschool is where you create yourself. and i want to create myself at that school.